(*Just kidding!  Don’t do these things!  Listen carefully: Do the opposite of these things!  Seriously.)

1. Introduce the new person right away. Here’s a common mistake and this is why it’s such a mistake:  Introduce someone that you just met, who you don’t really know all that well, who you don’t know if he’s on some meds and don’t know how he’ll act once the meds wear off, and who you don’t know if he’s gonna act up in front of company.  Yeah, take that person and introduce him to people you know and care about.  Yeah, do that.

2. Quickly become overly close to family and friends. Once you do make the cut and are with your new partner for a decent amount of time, and you get introduced to his or her family and friends, start acting like you’ve known them forever, and do it right away!  Few things scream “psycho” like some chick acting like she’s your mom’s BFF when she just met her five minutes ago.  When you start getting overly familiar right away, that look on your partner’s face isn’t saying, “Awww, look at how well she’s getting along with my family.”    No, it’s not.  He’s thinking, “I should’ve spent more time thinking about Tip #1.  Now this psycho is giving my mom the creeps!”

3. Make the first couple of dates really Whatever you do, do not make your first few dates together comfortable occasions in which you can take your time and casually get to know each other.  No, no.  That would make too much sense.  What you should do is ask your partner a whole list of questions about himself or herself, ask them questions at a rapid-fire pace, and make it feel like a job interview (which, of course, it is, because having a relationship with your psycho ass is a lot of work!).

4. Give the requirements for dating you. After you’ve determined that the new partner passes your first phase of things, let them know, like a bullet between their eyes, what your requirements are for him or her to have the honor and privilege of dating you.  Tell him what kind of job and level of income you expect him to have.  Let her know how often you expect to have sex and what activities you expect to engage in.  For that extra bit of spice that only a true psycho can give, try to work these topics into the third or fourth conversation that you’ve ever had with that special someone!  You won’t be sorry (or at least not as sorry as they are for wasting time talking to you)!

5. If someone you’ve just met doesn’t show you much interest after a few conversations, just keep on calling ‘em. This one’s a classic!  Let’s say you met someone at a party, and you exchanged numbers ‘cause one of you was too drunk to notice that the attraction wasn’t mutual.  You’ve called her a bunch of times to make contact, but she’s only answered once to talk to you.  Here’s what’s happening:  She’s not that busy, she’s just not that interested.  But should that stop you from continuing to call her?  Of course not!  Keep calling.  And calling.  Keep telling yourself, “But if she just got to know me, she’d like me!”  Yeah, okay.  Good luck with that.  Blowing up her phone is really gonna make her realize what she’s missing out on!

6. Make this relationship the love of your life! Is this person really your soul mate?  Doesn’t matter!  As you long as you think that he is, that’s all that matters!  Because you think he is “the one,” smother him with all your attention and affection.  Bombard her with every bit of “love” you can muster until she begs (or yells at you) to stop.

After a ridiculously short period of time, tell them that you love them.  We know your type: you’ve only been out with this guy a few times but you’re already doodling his last name after yours.  Not only should you start tell him that you love him as soon as you start feeling it (no matter how soon it is after you first meet), but please expect him to feel and express the same feelings for you.  Hell, pressure him into it if you can!

Interested in learning more? The following courses are recommended at Don't Date A Psycho University:

"How to Prepare for Your Best Relationship EVER!"

"Working Through Your Relationship Problems"