“Affairs,” “infidelity,” or “cheating,” whatever you want to call it, it happens.  A lot.  To many of us.  In fact, if you’re an adult reading this article, the chances are good that you’ve been involved in cheating, in some respect; meaning, either you’ve cheated on someone you’ve been with, or someone has cheated on you.  Either way, it’s a hurtful thing when it happens, and it’s painful, even devastating, when it’s discovered.  People often talk about these two aspects of infidelity: doing it, and getting caught.  One vital component that’s not as “juicy,” is what prompted the affair in the first place.  The reasons for affairs are important, understanding them is essential if you hope to avoid cheating on someone or them doing it to you, and the reasons are probably  not what you think they are.

First things first, let’s clear out the segment of the population who are just “dogs,” who will want to sleep with anything that still has a pulse, and that will hold still long enough.  For these people, it pretty much doesn’t matter what you do, they’re just going to screw around, regardless.  No, we’re not talking about them.  We’re referring to the majority; the people who entered into a relationship openly, honestly, genuinely, and with the intent of being with just that one special person.  Now that we have our group, what is it that prompts one of them to go outside of their relationship?  The reasons, as I said, are not as provocative as you might think.  I’ve seen a lot of infidelity in couples over the years and, surprisingly, “sex” isn’t the main reason that a partner cheats.  Now, sex may become part of the affair, at some point, but it is often not the thing that lured the partner.  Here are the more popular reasons:

• Communication
• Sense of humor
• Genuine interest in You
• Thoughtfulness and kindness
• Nurturance

Forget what the TV ads say about body sprays, perfumes, or colognes.  These are some potent traits when offered to a person who hasn’t had them in a while, has never had them, or who doesn’t get them from their partner.  Think about it, how nice is it for someone to ask you about your day or about how you’re doing, and they not only mean it, but they actually want to hear what you have to say?  How attractive is it when a person does something nice for you, just because they were thinking about you, and not because you had to ask or nag them about it?  How good does it make you feel when someone shows the desire and willingness to learn about something or get involved in something simply because it’s important to you?  And don’t get it twisted: It’s not just women who are deprived of these things by insensitive men.  Oh, no!  Don’t believe the stereotype of clueless guys who are so busy scratching themselves, watching sports, or hanging out with the fellas, that they don’t do nice things for their women anymore.

There are a surprising number of women out there who are so caught up in what’s going on with them, that they’ve forgotten how to treat their men well, or that they need to be nice to them, in the first place.  I’ve had male clients who had affairs, not because the other woman was younger, sexier, prettier, or who was wilder in bed.  Many of these men spent time with a woman who wasn’t their wife or girlfriend because the other woman was nicer to them, she actually listened to what was on their minds or in their hearts, and they were shown that they have value.  Ladies, do you really want your man to cheat on you just because another woman was simply nicer to him than you are?  Sounds like a waste, to me.  Guys, you need to listen up, too.  You’re just as guilty.  Your woman is likely to notice, be attracted to, or secretly think about a guy that made her laugh, or that remembered some topic that she vaguely mentioned to him a couple of days or weeks ago, or who complimented her on how she looks or that she had her hair done; not necessarily a guy who was hitting on her.  Men, your biggest threat is not some hunk with a sports car, a fat wallet, and a mysterious accent.  It’s the average-looking guy who looks your woman in the eye when she’s talking to him, and who makes it seem like she’s the only woman in the room because he’s focused only on her, and not checking out every female in the place!

Bottom line:  People crave and seek what they need the most.  If your partner isn’t made to feel valued and special by you, she is going to take more notice of whoever might be offering that freely.  If you make your partner feel criticized, not good enough, or stupid, he is likely to gravitate towards anyone who makes him feel competent, worthy, and worthwhile.  In a very real sense, you can decrease the likelihood of your partner cheating on you by taking an inventory of how you make him or her feel, what they might feel is missing, and what they are starving for.  Give them what they need, not what you think they want.  Talk to your partner.  Do it now, while you still have the chance.