There is a very basic mistake that most people make when they think of “communication.”  People often confuse “talking” with “communication.”  The two are not the same at all.  We all know people who talk a lot but who never really seem to be saying very much.  Talking is a biological capacity that, like walking, most people have at birth.  We learn to talk by listening to other people talk, and by imitating what we hear, we acquire our language.  That’s “talking.”  Communication is a skill.  It is not something that people are born knowing how to do.  Because it is a skill, it is something that has to be practiced and used if you ever want to be good at it.  The problem is, since most people talk instead of communicate, it is often difficult to find a good example a person who communicates well, and then use them as a model.  An important note here: despite what talk shows, magazines, and movies would have you to believe, women aren’t necessarily better communicators than men.  Women tend to talk more, meaning that the average woman may be more verbal than the average man but, as I just said, whether or not real communication is taking place is not a guarantee just because words are being used.

To be a good communicator in a relationship, several things need to be done.  First, it’s a good idea to know what it is that you want to communicate.  This might sound like a no-brainer, but people lose their train of thought, for example, all the time.  When people are upset or angry, they frequently have a hard time trying to gather their thoughts enough to accurately convey what they’re upset about.  When they’re upset, the message that comes out is likely to be soaked with emotion, and the true message is lost or unspoken.  For example, an angry person might tell her partner, “I’m mad at you,” instead of, “I think it was inconsiderate that you didn’t call me when you knew you were going to be late.”  The first sentence in the example just expressed feelings, while the second sentence actually let her partner know what he did (or didn’t do) that got on her nerves.

Second, once you know what you want to say, it’s important to say it in a way that the person you’re talking to is going to hear what you want them to hear.  This is where many partners, men and women, drop the ball.  Don’t mix your intended message with other stuff, such as being critical, sarcastic, or nasty. An angry lead-in is likely to shut the other person down and make them not want to be bothered to hear what you have to say.  They’ll tune you out before you even get a chance to finish what you’re saying, if you don’t go about things the right way.  You don’t have to be all “Mary Sunshine” or anything, but you do have to be respectful.  If what you want to convey is, “I’d like to come by around 7:00 to pick you up, could you please be ready so we’re not late for the movie,” you’re probably going to get ignored or argued with if you say something like, “When I get to your place, you need to be ready.”  This last statement is likely to turn the person off because what he or she is going to hear on the front end is anger or disrespect.  Who wants to be approached like that?  A crucial aspect of communication is the nonverbal part of the message, the part of the message that is not spoken out loud.  This aspect deals with how or when something is being said; such as how loudly someone’s talking to you or how “slick” they’re saying something to you, or perhaps when someone is saying something to you.  If you’re telling a woman that you love her, but you’re angrily yelling it at her when you’re saying it, it’s a safe bet that she won’t hear the love that you’re expressing.  All she’s likely to hear is the anger and the yelling.  By the same token, if you’re calm and pleasant when you tell a man that you love him, but you don’t stop watching television long enough to look him in the eyes when you say it, he’s not likely to feel the love and affection that you’re trying to communicate.

Finally, an often overlooked aspect of communication is listening.  Over the years, I’ve worked with people who absolutely did not want to be in counseling and did not want to hear anything that I had to say.  However, I’ve been able to work very well with these resistant folks because I follow a very simply belief: Just about anyone will talk if they feel like someone is going to listen to them.  In general, people love to talk, especially about themselves.  If your partner perceives that you’ll listen to him or her without judging or criticizing, then he or she is more likely to open up to you.  If they feel that you’ll hear them out, not cut them off, interrupt, or do things like rolling your eyes or crossing your arms in front of you, you might be surprised at how much they actually have to say.

What to Do

Men are often portrayed as being horrible communicators who are unable to express their thoughts and feelings, if they’re even given credit for having thoughts or feelings.  As I said, communication is a skill, and as such, it needs to be practiced.  Here are some ways to practice:

Women, ask your men about something that is interesting or important to them.  Don’t ask a lot of vague things, such as, “What are you thinking about?” or “What do you think about our relationship?”  These questions can be kind of vague or ambiguous, and the answers that you get are likely to be vague and ambiguous, as well.  Instead, ask him about what he likes, what he wants to do, what gets his attention.  Then, listen to what he has to say!  As noted, people will talk if others listen, the more he talks to you and there is an exchange between the two of you, the more practice he will get at communicating, and the better his communication skills will be.  It’s not about you teaching your man how to communicate, it’s about letting him speak and feel heard.

For parents raising their sons, listen to them when they talk to you.  Sounds simple, right?  It is simple, but it’s just not always convenient for parents.  To a degree, that’s understandable because, as a parent, you’ve got a lot of things vying for your attention at any given time.  However, there needs to be some ways of letting your son know that what he has to say to you is important, even if you have to have him tell it to you later.  If he is chatting you up about something and you’re busy at the moment, tell him that you’re busy but that you’ll talk to him in a few minutes.  Then, you have to actually give him the few minutes of your time that you promised, and listen to him and talk to him.  When he learns how to wait and talk and listen, as a child, you’ll raise a sharp communicator as he grows to manhood.

Remember, communication is a skill and has to be practiced as often as possible if we are to become experts at it.  Talk.  Listen.  Repeat.