As a therapist, I've worked with a great number of couples who have had various problems.  Some of the problems have been relatively minor, some have been major, and some have even been catastrophic, but all have been disruptive to the couple being able to enjoy themselves and each other.  By far, one of the most common complaints is one that is so basic, that most people never realize how vital it is to a healthy relationship.  There is a lot of press given to the roles of "communication," "love," and "respect" in a relationship.  I've found that these factors are certainly necessary for a good relationship, but they are not sufficient; not in and of themselves.  As important as these factors are, nothing communicates love and respect more to a partner as courtesy.  Plain, simple, common courtesy is the often overlooked, but essential, factor to a couple's well-being, happiness, and success.

Over the years, I've frequently heard a couple or partner tell me, "He (or she) doesn't do the same things for me now as when we first got together."  Sound familiar?  A woman will tell me that her husband used to call her during the day to tell her that he loved her.  Now, he doesn't have the common courtesy to call to tell her that he's going to be late coming home from work.  A man will tell me that his wife used to make these incredible, romantic dinners when they were still dating.  Now, she grabs a bite to eat on the way home from the job, never asking him if he wanted something to eat, also.  Common courtesy can become less common over time.

There are a number of reasons why courtesy becomes such a rarity in relationships.  People often dismiss its importance after they get to know their partner, because now they can move on to more "important" stuff, such as intimacy and getting deeper into the relationship.  This is like saying, "Now that I've gotten to know you, I don't have to be nice to you or considerate of you anymore."  How many of us would put up with that if it was said to us directly and openly?  Yet, many of us have that communicated to us by the same people who claim to love us.  Another reason for a lack of courtesy is "familiarity."  When we become involved with a person, we sometimes get so comfortable that a "formality," such as saying "thank you" or complimenting a partner on how they look or about something they did, falls by the wayside.  Some people think, "She (or he) knows how I feel, so I shouldn't have to say it."  This means that the person who thinks this way is getting complacent in the relationship.  "Complacent" is just a nicer way of saying "lazy."  Be careful about getting complacent with your partner.  Complacency is a relationship-killer.

Finally, sometimes courtesy dissolves simply because things have gotten so routine in the couple that they operate more on autopilot than they do on manners.  The price that's paid, however, is that someone is bound to feel taken for granted, disrespected, or second-rate, at some point.  Here's a tip that you should keep somewhere in the front of your mind: A person who feels these deficits with their partner can be very sensitive to taking notice of courtesy that is being shown to them by someone else (Translation: "someone outside of their relationship").  You think most affairs center around sex?  Think again!  It is often the case that people who become interested in someone other than their partner do so simply because that other person is nice to them.  They become attracted because the other person listens to them, is interested in what they think and feel, and calls them if they're going to be late!

To help couples regain the sense of courtesy that is lost or forgotten, I tell them something fairly simple: Treat your partner like a stranger!  By this, I mean that they should show the loves of their lives the same manners and consideration that they would show to a co-worker, friend, fellow student, or supervisor.  Many people would not think of simply not showing up if they were supposed to go to a movie with a buddy (at least not without calling first), but some partners stand each other like that commonly.  If you were going to be late for a meeting with your boss or supervisor, more likely than not, you would make some effort to let that person know ahead of time that you were running late, and would not just keep them waiting until you showed up.  If this courtesy is shown to a fellow employee, why should it not be shown to the mother or father of your children, or to the person with whom you share that special bond or intimacy?  The same manners that can be shown to someone you hardly know, can and should be shown far more often to the person that you know and love best of all.  Keep courtesy and manners in your relationship, and keep your partner happy.

Interested in learning more? The following courses are recommended at Don't Date A Psycho University:

"How to Prepare for Your Best Relationship EVER!"

"Working Through Your Relationship Problems"