Having satisfying and meaningful relationships is a vital part of the human experience. Whether romantic, family, business, or sexual, our participation in a relationship with another person or people can sometimes enhance things and make a good situation even better. Unfortunately, not all relationships are all that satisfying or are very meaningful. Even relationships that started out as wonderful can sometimes deteriorate into something that is unrecognizable to the partners, and, as such, are often ended by one or both of them. It is not difficult to understand that pain and hurt occur when relationships end, but people often do not realize some of the other factors at play that either deepen the pain or keep it going for extended periods of time.

The most obvious reason that breakups are often painful is simply that the relationship is over.  A deeper and more meaningful answer, however, is that a loss has been suffered by one or both parties. If you think about it, the end of a romantic relationship through a breakup is similar to the feelings one experiences when someone close to him or her has died:

• Even when the end of the relationship is foreseeable, when the end comes, it is still a shock.
• There is a grieving that takes place as the mourner reminisces about the beginning of the relationship and the good times that occurred.
• Often there is a twinge of pain when the mourner finds something that belongs to the partner, something that was given to him or her by the partner, or something that has held some emotional significance to the couple.
• Depressive symptoms often arise: lack of appetite, difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating or thinking, feelings of sadness and remorse.
• It is often exceedingly difficult to not think about the person who is no longer present.

Given these factors, is it any wonder that the end of a meaningful relationship is so hurtful?

Another component of the pain experienced is the mourning of the potential that the relationship held, the "what might have been." If a person is so inclined to value the institution of marriage, any relationship in which he or she begins can potentially be "the one". Regardless of how people say that one shouldn't place such pressures on a new relationship, it is hard to dismiss that the possibility exists that this new person could be your partner for life. Few people begin a relationship with the thought, "I'm just going to stay in this for a little while and then I'll move on." People, on the front end at least, typically put their best foot forward when the relationship is new. As often happens, the newness eventually wears off and the real stuff surfaces. When the relationship ends, though, it is hard to not think of where the two of you could have gone in life if things had turned out differently; if the person, or the circumstances, or the timing might have been different. This loss of potential is powerful, and is frequently grieved.

I have often heard clients express that, once the relationship has ended, they feel a personal sense of failure, that maybe if they had done something differently or had stuck it out for just a little while longer, that things might have turned out differently. While this possibility exists, it is just as possible that things would have turned out exactly the way that they did if the person had hung in there for another 20 years.

Finally, a big reason for the difficulty in coping with a breakup is that the person was familiar to them. Often, people are simply used to having their partners in their lives. It is like that other person is a fixture, and that if he or she is taken away, it somehow disturbs a balance. This is frequently seen in relationships that were painful, destructive, or dysfunctional when they were intact. When that person is gone, it is sometimes difficult for some people to either get used to the change or move on to the point where they can establish a new relationship with someone else. Their thinking tends to be, "At least I know what I have with this person. I don't know about or don't want to have to deal with new problems that someone else might have."

What You Can Do

If one has tried everything that one can, and if one truly feels that staying in a relationship is more painful to them than being out of it, it is probably best to back away from the situation to at least get some perspective. In the case of someone grieving the loss of the relationship, my suggestion to them is to grieve it openly as if the relationship has suffered a physical death. By this, I mean that the person is to openly acknowledge feelings of loss and pain, even if the relationship was unhealthy. People have a tendency to selectively remember only the good times in a relationship. I have clients also acknowledge the difficult times, too, because they were every bit as real as the good ones. When clients talk about the loss of "what might have been", I openly acknowledge that things may have improved over time. Then, I present to them that there are only three possible ways that they relationship could have gone if the relationship continued: 1) It could have gotten better, 2) it could have gotten worse, or 3) it could have stayed the same. We immediately eliminate the possibility of things staying the same, because if that were tolerable the person probably wouldn't be out of the relationship. I then have clients carefully consider if they would have been able to tolerate it if things had gotten worse. The answer to this is almost always "no." As far as the possibility for improvement, I assess with them what was being done by the couple to make improvement a likelihood instead of merely a possibility. Remember, anything is possible. A person becoming the President of the United States is possible, but it is not likely for the vast majority of people in this country that they will one day become President.

Often, the people in therapy are the ones who were doing most of the work in trying to save the relationship. I reassure them that it takes the efforts of two people to salvage the relationship. This reassurance also helps to alleviate that sense of personal failure when things end. As far as the "familiarity" factor is concerned, I remind the person in session that his or her former partner had not always been a part of his or her life. There was a time before them, and there will be times after them. Keeping these facts clearly in mind can help mourners feel a sense of encouragement and empowerment, even when they miss their partners with all their heart. Missing your partner is normal and should be expected. Understanding some of the factors underlying the grief can go a long way in helping to get past the pain.

Interested in learning more? The following courses are recommended at Don't Date A Psycho University:

"How to Prepare for Your Best Relationship EVER!"