Many people find it difficult to end things.  Whether it’s a job, a project, or a really good meal, it’s sometimes hard to face when the end comes.  When it comes to relationships, endings can be particularly difficult.  If we have not been in the position ourselves, we’ve probably known people who not only find it hard to end relationships, but they tend to keep ending the same one over and over again.  For various reasons, it is sometimes very tricky to get completely out of certain relationships.  We often see the pattern in which two people are in a relationship today, will break up tomorrow, and be back together by the weekend.  Until the “final” break-up occurs, this pattern can repeat itself for years.

Spectators and bystanders sometimes dismiss this type of relationship behavior as “trivial” or “childish.”  For those individuals who are actually in the relationship, though, it often feels very real, very important and very painful, each and every time it happens.  When in the “break-up” part of the cycle, I’ve seen panic-stricken grieving their loss, and they almost always ask me, “Do you think he (or she) will be back?  Do you think it’s really over this time?”  I’ll let you in on a little secret: Things are not usually over that quickly or abruptly, and yes, the person is likely to return.  There are a few factors, in my experience, that have to be present in order for one to have some confidence that the relationship is not over.

First, if there have been break-ups and reunions with this person in the past, then there’s a good chance that this occurrence will be just another in the series.  Second, if the couple has a significant emotional history together (meaning, “they really love each other”) or the break-up came out of a blow-up or argument, and as long as the argument itself wasn’t abusive or devastating, the person is likely to return.  The reason for this second fact is that it’s much easier to walk away from your partner while you’re angry.  But people tend to not stay angry for very long.  When the anger subsides, the loving feelings start to return, and you and your partner start missing each other.

The final factor involves an interesting dynamic found with many couples.  Often in relationships, one person is “the chaser” and the other is “the runner.”  The chaser is usually pursuing the runner, and the chaser is usually the one who wants to make up, the one who calls a lot, and the one who puts forth the most obvious effort in the relationship.  The runner is the partner who is aloof and is pampered or admired.  Partners tend to play these roles and not even know it.  But here’s an interesting twist: when the chaser stops chasing, the runner stops running, and then, the runner starts chasing the chaser!  In the case of the break-up/make-up drama, if the person who usually chases, doesn’t chase, the chances are improved that the other person will come back around to see why he or she is not being pursued anymore.

I offer these tips for those folks in this type of relationship: Don’t tell a lot of people about the break-up when it happens (unless it’s really the final one), and whatever you do, don’t bad-mouth the absent partner and talk about your private relationship matters with your family and friends.  Why?  Because these are the same people that you’ll be talking to when you and your partner are back together.  These are also the same people who will wonder why you’re back together with someone who you said (probably just last week) was so terrible, and the same people your partner will interact with once you two are together again.  The unfair thing for you partner is that he or she will be around a bunch of people who know all about your relationship, who probably know some intimate details, and who have probably had many negative things said about him or her.  Unlike dramas on television or in the movies, this type of human drama should really have the smallest audience possible.

Interested in learning more? The following courses are recommended at Don't Date A Psycho University:

"How to Prepare for Your Best Relationship EVER!"

"What to do When Love Goes Away"