There is an old adage that says, “The best defense is a good offense.”  In many ways and in many of life’s situations, this is frequently true.  In the world of romantic relationships, though, a slight twist on this principle is in order.  With troubled relationships, partners often don’t even go to the trouble of developing a good offense.  Why create a plan or, God forbid, address problems, when you can just avoid it altogether?  You’ve probably seen it a million times, and most of us have engaged in this behavior as well.  When a relationship starts to get funky or stale, or when significant problems have developed, many of us will find or create something else to focus on instead of dealing with the problem or talking about the elephant in the room.

It doesn’t matter what level of relationship we’re talking about, whether it’s a new one or one that has existed for a number of years.  Take a new relationship, for example.  Two people meet, things go pretty well, they start talking on the phone just about every day, calling just to say “hi”, and everything’s cool.  Then, a problem crops up; nothing big, maybe an unintended comment that was taken the wrong way, maybe a little misunderstanding, nothing huge.  All of a sudden, one of those daily phone calls gets skipped, the caller ID gets checked before answering the phone, suddenly hanging out with your friends or watching that video is more desirable than talking to him or her, your jaws are just a little bit tighter when you think of that other person instead of smiling like you did last week.  What happened?

What probably happened is, whatever that person did that annoyed you or ticked you off, probably smelled just like something that somebody else in your past has done to you.  This brand new, first-time, glitch on this person’s part seemed like a continuation of all the garbage that you said you’d never tolerate from anyone, ever again, in life.  In this instance, the major problem is not so much what was done, but what you did with it.  Instead of just talking to the person, who could be completely clueless that he or she offended you, you avoid calls, go out with friends, rent every video that Blockbuster has just so you can get the person, and the offense, off your mind.  Those of you who have done this (translation: “all of us”) know how much effort and energy it takes to get someone off your mind that you loved talking to just last week.  Why use all of your energy to distract yourself, front, and act like you don’t care, when you could take just a minute and clear up everything?

Relationships that have been going on for a long time, or ones that carry serious emotional clout (like married folks,) often have a different means of creating distractions.  With these folks, what you’re likely to see is a partner who seems to be putting in more and more overtime at the job, a partner that keeps going to happy hour a little more often than in the past or, in some serious cases that I’ve seen, a partner who seeks and finds an additional job.  What all these cases have in common is the avoidance of coming home.  More specifically, it is an avoidance of interacting with the significant other.  Isn’t it funny how we go through so much to avoid another person, like getting a job, when it would probably be a whole lot easier to just talk to them and try to get to the root of the problem?  When I’ve talked to people who have gone to these lengths to distract themselves, they generally all tell me the same thing: “I’d rather be at work than go home and deal with him (or her)”.  In other words, “It’s easier for me to be at work than go home, because my home life is more stressful than my job”.

Another huge distraction that many people wind up using in order to avoid issues is to get a “friend”.  You know the kind of “friend” I’m talking about, don’t you?  It’s one of those friends that you usually talk to when you’re not within earshot of your partner.  The kind of “friend” that you have to rationalize having, to yourself as well as to your family and other actual friends.  These “friends” or “lovers” or whatever you choose to call them tend to serve as a big distraction away from the problems at home.  Instead of dealing with that irritating person waiting for you at home, it’s often easier to call or be with that other person who makes you laugh and feel good.  While there is definitely a certain amount of fun to be had in these cases, it does nothing to move you any closer to resolving the problems between you and the man or woman that you’re truly with.

In the late 1960s and early 1970s the concept of the “Empty Nest” syndrome became popular in this country.  What was typical of this syndrome was that, after the child or children had left home to go to school or to start their adult lives, the parents often had a difficult time adjusting to the change.  Mothers might start or completing their schooling or get a hobby, fathers might start working more or getting out of the house a bit more often, or the couple might start traveling.  While there is generally nothing really wrong with these reactions, sometimes the reasons that underlie them are important to examine.  Some couples come up distractions at this stage of the game because, without the kids to focus on, they come to the realization that they don’t really know each other anymore.  That’s a scary thought for two people that have been together for a number of years.  Even worse, some couples realize that they really don’t like each other when they don’t have the “buffer” of children anymore to keep them away from each other.

Many of us are content to take the path of least resistance when it comes to dealing with our relationships.  While it is often a good strategy to “not sweat the small stuff” and to choose your battles, avoiding everything all the time is unlikely to do anything except keep problems alive and kicking.  Sometimes, even when you do talk to your partner, nothing really gets resolved, or an argument is the result.  When this is the case, it is especially important for each of you to consider that a real problem does exist, and to talk to each other just enough to decide what to do about it.  Not to sound too much like a therapist, here, but sometimes therapy really does help, and it can help whether your partner agrees to go with you or not.  Never be dissuaded from seeking help because someone else is being stubborn.  Remember, there is the option of “us” getting help, or the option of “me” getting help – to get the heck out of the relationship.  A therapist serving as an impartial third person is often helpful, and going to one is almost always better than talking out your problems with bitter friends, coworkers, or family members who are in relationships that are just as jacked-up as yours.

Interested in learning more? The following courses are recommended at Don't Date A Psycho University:

"Working Through Your Relationship Problems"

"Stop Talking and Start Communicating!"

"I'm Always Right and You're Always Wrong!"

"How to Prepare for Your Best Relationship EVER!"